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    • April 26, 2020 11:19:59 PM PDT
    • I am a secure sexual. In my case, the SPs were really difficult. Mnadmin, the points you made hit the nail on the head.
      For me, ones effort and intentions are very important. For example, if one says something that seems robotic or cold-hearted, I always try to think where one is coming from.

    • October 12, 2018 6:08:48 PM PDT

    • August 2, 2017 5:40:39 PM PDT
    • I agree with most of the items in the OP... however I would add another one:

      - Actually having a similar passion/romantic/sexual style.

      Typically the things that sink relationships usually have to do with: finances, values, communication, sex, and mental stability...

    • April 26, 2020 9:51:07 PM PDT
    • All the points in your third paragraph plus kindness, sense of humor, humility, and how he treats family and friends. And, of course, what we have in common.

    • April 26, 2020 9:51:06 PM PDT
    • All the points in your third paragraph plus kindness, sense of humor, humility, and how he treats family and friends. And, of course, what we have in common.

    • April 26, 2020 9:41:01 PM PDT
    • Ballista11, I use self-deprecating humor also. But people often can not tell when I am joking. I seem smooth with people briefly. I have been told I am charismatic. But, at some point, I become awkward. Sometimes, I seem very aloof. I am the loner who is not a loner.

    • April 16, 2018 11:08:40 AM PDT
    • I find my self resorting to a dry, self deprecating humor in social situations. It allows people to open up to me. Too often I seem disconnected from new groups in social situations. Pretending to verbally "flog myself" has a odd way of making people want to engage directly with me.

    • September 2, 2019 2:25:51 PM PDT
    • "Actually what I did get by this site is, it is pointless. This site better come as a forum instead of a dating site. Why I can say so? Because [...] The truth of how can someone had intimate relationship must had to be face-to-face, not this kind of texting."

      I don't get why you think the forum is better, it's still not face-to-face. By now, I've had already 5+ years of forum experience. What I expected from a dating site is that people would at least try harder to figure out their type. That their will to date would incentivize that. But no, that was just the product of my unhinged idealism...

      "This site holding the people like they must sell themselves in order to catch someone's attention, sounds desperate."
      -- that's down to bad design. You can take the forumers as members being active for the very reason to advertise themselves.

    • September 2, 2019 12:32:24 AM PDT
    • I'm new to this site. However, I make my account here just to see what is this about dating site. I'm not interested in finding date partner. What you said maybe true, but really what is the truth and the false is not as easily can be seen like that. Yeah maybe some had mistyped on their instincts, but I guessed they had their own reasons. Actually what I did get by this site is, it is pointless. This site better come as a forum instead of a dating site. Why I can say so? Because as I see many people coming from different places around the world. The truth of how can someone had intimate relationship must had to be face-to-face, not this kind of texting. Two ENTPs had texting me only said "Hi" then disappeared like you said. This is useless. They barely respond back after I messaged them back. What I get is most people joined in this like me example, just want to test waters, nothing more. They maybe will respond but that if something shiny grabbed their attention, as most just log in if they had time. What I get is most people are not as serious as some, and I don't know whether that is good or not. Human beings are complex and can be wrong. This site holding the people like they must sell themselves in order to catch someone's attention, sounds desperate. Most I see also tend to be NT or NF, which NF must understand that most often NT types rarely desperate finding partner to giving 100% on their time for that.

    • August 3, 2019 8:44:27 AM PDT
    • So I just quickly wanted to say that I've been debating-arguing over this since my online social presence in typology social forums. Here's the thing I noticed. I tend to criticize society and the general category of 'social people who proactively participate.' Among the many forum users who also identified as Sexual/Secure, aka 'Sx/Sp' or the other 'Social blind spot' type Sp/Sx, I could not find any who would criticize or get annoyed by the social types (according to the definition, we, Social lasts, should). In fact, the social types have mostly never indicated that they were Social-firsts on the forums. And the least were they able to was to reflect on or point out the real-time workings of their Social instinct (in one particular moment). For example, this is a forum, here we socialize, act according to the proper etiquette, present a persona that is palatable to most, yet no one is willing to reflect on that. Noone seems to see or willing to break the herd mentality, this convivial 'love fest' that someone has once called it (perpetuating, amping up positivity, shallow congeniality).

      So my theory is the following. It is known that the 2nd instinct in the stack is the 'creative' one, meaning that people have a relaxed attitude about it, they are not obsessed with it, can show it off, and are okay with revealingly talk about it because that's not their main concern. In this way you could say that Social first types are the ones that are so concerned about fitting in and networking that they write all these 'thinks outside of the box,' 'maverick,' 'goes against social expectations' attributes in their profiles (or 'forget' to mention they are a 'mainstream,' compromising person), but they still never ever catch themselves in the process of appealing to a group, following a larger trend (and say it out loud). They are not able to 'unfollow' the social norms of and not be tactful/polite to their preferred group because a behavior that does not meet the expectations of membership loses its function/power to be social. They cannot think about it, they cannot make it conscious because they are immersed/invested in doing it.

      So I noticed that this subthread has the most topics'n'posts within 'Instincts' and also that they are a lot of people who identify as 'Sx/Sp' on this forum. But I have to say, y'all, actions speak louder than words (Sx also manifests in intimacy, the need for more focused/downnarrowed one-on-one rapport, yet what I see is that people speak directly to each other only in bursts, they don't go deeper, the convo fades out quickly, instead they divide their attention and time between group members, i.e. getting to know a person from the safety of the group - Social/Secure). So please do educate yourselves, read up on diff. authors' definitions because if this site is the most advanced, then basically every dating site is a lie (technological utopia).

      p.s.: note this post was done also under the pretext of socalizing so as to find a girlfriend, for this author's emotional need and hormones are mighty ablaze this summer.

    • July 6, 2019 11:19:18 PM PDT
    • I try very hard to not bother people. The result is people think I'm trying very hard to avoid them.

    • June 21, 2019 2:21:34 PM PDT
    • Awesome to come back here after so many years and go through responses.
      I can now say that I am a lot more consciously, intentionally open and have even reached an awareness of myself as truly polyamorous in nature. Since feeling comfortable in this self-knowledge, I've been approached and loved on by some amazing men! And I'm even opening up to the idea of women as potential love interests as well. Much to still be revealed on this amazing journey of love, discovery, authenticity, and relating.

    • August 16, 2017 8:44:46 PM PDT
    • I can relate to that.

    • June 1, 2017 12:48:22 PM PDT
    • Countless times friends have told me that they thought I hated them upon meeting me, or they thought I was stuck up, or they were intimidated by me...until they got to know me and found out I'm a warm, caring person who strongly values kindness. I believe there are a few reasons this is happening.

      1. Resting Bitch Face. I have one to the max.

      2. I don't go out of my way to impress people upon meeting them. I'm not overly friendly unless something really peaks my interest. A simple hello and handshake should suffice.

      3. I have a small circle of people with whom I feel comfortable sharing my deepest, truest self, so I probably seem reserved to most people unless I'm drinking. At parties I can turn into a pseudo ENFP, but I burn out fast.

      4. I spend a lot of my time in my head. Extraverts seem to notice and the kind ones are good at inspiring my to come out of my shell. However, people who demand that I be more expressive annoy the shit out of me. I'm not quiet because of shyness or intimidation. I'm quiet because my thoughts are more interesting to me than the current situation. So in that way I am a bit stuck up and self absorbed, but my self awareness becomes a great benefit to others in need of validation. When someone is suffering, I forget about myself and give give give. People remember that.

    • May 22, 2017 8:30:48 AM PDT
    • I don't really know what's wrong with me... I mean, I have had boyfriends... for myself I'm already saying to much boyriends, but for some reason the longest relationship I've been in was 6 months. But my best friend told me a few months ago, that I do seem a bit uninterested from time to time... And I'm interested, I'm just 'living in my own world' or my focus/concentration is on something else.

      But on the other hand, I think I'm to clingly, and start to change in a relationship? Because my ex was afraid I was totally changing because of him and not myself anymore, when I was pretty sure I was still myself, just the part I don't easily show around. But well, if I'm not clingly, than it's also not okay.
      Seriously, people make it way to hard.

      The problem is, I think, is that I'm mostly falling in love with guys who aren't ready for relationships? Or if I have guys who are ready for a relationship, they are not the right guys for me? But how do you change that one?

      And oh, that LoA, that is totally driving me crazy lately. I'm doing everything that's written down for the rules, and it doesn't seem to work at all!

    • April 18, 2017 10:12:08 AM PDT
    • I scare people way. Too forward and direct or i have a player vibe. I don't really know

    • March 29, 2017 9:43:24 AM PDT
    • Hi, loobird,

      I'm the opposite most of the time. I'm told that I give off a "come hither" vibe to most men (which can be troublesome at times!). But like you, when I'm deep in thought or speaking passionately on something I can also become "intimidating (which I think might be the "untouchable side). We are none of us all one or the other. Maybe you just haven't met the person you want to invite into the Inner Sanctum yet? That's valid.

      Meanwhile, keep working on your own development. We're all on a journey. Keep expanding yourself and getting to know people. When you're really attracted to someone on that deep, authentic level, the "come hither" switch will flip, I'm confident!


    • January 27, 2017 12:24:25 PM PST
    • I tend to run hot and cold socially, engaged or withdrawn. I'm better than I used to be as I've gotten to know myself over the years, i.e., I tend to know when a situation is not going to work for me. Only thing is sometimes I talk myself out of EVERYthing and isolate more than is healthy.

      I also think INTPs are particularly vulnerable to the mistake of unfairly comparing our insides with other people's outsides. Ego tells me I know what other people are thinking and surely it's something negative, or, that surely they will be disappointed when they discover I am the shithead I'm afraid I am, so I might as well go ahead and be it. Anyhoo, by the time I'm done thrashing about inside with all these and various other ruminations, well God only knows what kind of expression is on my face. Am I unapproachable? Probably. You probably don't want to fuck with me.

    • January 19, 2017 11:06:05 PM PST
    • I'd say I'm in the same boat...

      I've been told I "push others away", "seem uninterested", whatever. I'd definitely say I've got an "untouchable" vibe. I've never had a proper boyfriend, either, or gone on "dates". At my age! I've never really had a social sphere so it isn't as though I've had very many places to start either.

      I'm not sure whether that's anything to do with this particular stacking, really... I always blamed it on my personal maladaption. Maybe my stacking helps. But I'd hate to think all sx/sp's are just fated to go through life alone (and likely tormented about it).

      One of my good friends is a sx/sp ENFP...and she's basically everyone's friend. She just, tends to fixate on one interest after the next to the neglect of everything else. But she's also outgoing. There's probably something else going on.

      So I don't have the answer. I don't know what the "right" way to combat this problem is. I do find that I'm very attuned to the fabled "chemistry" of sx-first--I end up making a better showing with some people more than others. I guess it's only a matter of finding the right person and hitting it off. Not helpful, I know.

    • June 8, 2016 8:59:37 PM PDT
    • I definitely feel like I give off an "untouchable" vibe. Part of it may be that I've just generally had difficulty socializing, I think because I've been around lots of people who don't know how to interact with Is. I've gotten better at using my F and N to navigate social situations and I found it much easier to make close friends in college and graduate school than I did in high school. However, I often end up in situations where someone I consider a close friend will completely cut contact with me, leaving me distressed and wondering what I did wrong (and of course, nobody is able to offer an explanation), so it's difficult for me to assess my progress in getting rid of this particular vibe.

    • April 23, 2016 4:50:48 PM PDT
    • I don't know about people perceiving as untouchable, but I'm personally very physical. I love to touch and kiss and such and with the right person, I'd be happy for that to be reciprocated.

    • April 21, 2016 11:09:57 AM PDT
    • It's more of an elusive vibe, rather than untouchable. My guy friends have told me I seem elusive or they were intimidated by me before they really got to know me. I think it's just hard for guys to approach a girl who seems really closed off, and who isn't flirting with them and validating them. However, if it's the right guy, then it should be easy for you to be yourself and feel comfortable and have interesting conversations. They'll be looking for a girl like you.

    • January 18, 2016 11:20:10 AM PST
    • I give off this vibe as well. A sort of "don't get too close" look. I've been told that for me it appears I'm aloof, upset or irritated.

      I took an acting class and the untouchable vibe turned off there, but it comes back in most situations.

      Thanks to everyone for there posts about this. Glad to know i'm not the only one.

    • January 12, 2016 7:30:37 PM PST
    • loobird said:
      Update: I decided to consciously "turn on" the touchable vibe in 2015 & got super results! First kiss, first date, first other things ;) Just being conscious about it and consciously not putting up (and even consciously taking down) a wall around guys helped a lot.

      Thank you for helping other sexual/secure folks by posting this update!

    • July 7, 2018 9:20:39 PM PDT
    • I wish this thread was still breathing life. It could be great fun and really naughty.