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  • Topic: Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

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    • November 15, 2013 9:50:27 PM PST
    • Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

      Are opposites or likes more attracting to you?

      As an INFJ I am an introvert, but apparently one of the more extraverted introverted types due to Fe. I grew up in a house with introverted, creative and intellectual parents (INTJ and INFP), and used to the space of silence as comfortable and even part of a communion with others. Although as a kid I regularly sought sense adventures with my more outgoing friends. The two balanced out, each offering relief from the other. I became more introverted with age and life experience. I still find that I am drawn to both types. I always find the best mutual understanding and easy connection forms with INs but I do find that the dynamic can become a bit strained with both sides being generally quiet and intense. I am finding myself very drawn to ENFs, as the NF provides the common ground, and i enjoy the E. However, I think that introverts might be more drawn to extroverts than vice versa. Do extraverts often find introverts boring or even infuriating?

    • November 16, 2013 4:01:36 PM PST
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      Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

      I grew up in a house with 5 other adults on weekdays, visited another house with 4 adults on weekends, and moved around more times I could count before I hit 16 :P. Out of those 9 adults only two were introverts, one of my aunts (ISFP @ the weekday home) and my living grandfather (ISTP) who I saw on the weekends.

      I didn't get much silence or alone time in my home growing up and privacy was sort of something I was unaware existed :) I moved through schools often and had developed pretty strong social skills which let me be easily liked and often mistaken for an extrovert myself at times (I suspect my enneagram type 693 had a lot to do with this).

      Regarding the whole question of who am I drawn to more, Introverts or Extroverts, I would say I am drawn to both. I think what matters to me more is how open we are with each other on an intimate level. Sitting in a room next to someone sharing a few looks can say more than words sometimes.

      I believe the reason some introverts are drawn to extroverts is because extroverts can help "open them up" a lot better and thus sort of create a more welcoming space for the pair. Perhaps also the introvert enjoys riding shotgun and exploring the world with the E at their side which I'll admit, also has a strange appeal since it can take a lot of the pressure off. At the same time, I enjoy the challenge of taking the helm and taking us somewhere. Doing so is made all the more meaningful when my partner knows it doesn't come easily to me. "Knowing that she knows that I know that I'm uncomfortable", there is something very sexy about that lol. Sometimes an extrovert can take this for granted if they don't know about the concept of introversion/extroversion but not always.

      I believe E and I relationships work best when both sides are well balanced. I have extroverted friends who need to go out almost everyday and even my father was like this, he literally had to go out every day, have a one sided conversation for hours, stop talk to everyone everywhere he went, that sort of thing. I can handle this politely if it is directed at me but not without gritted teeth and resentment on my part if it carries on too long. If my friend or partner however can understand that I need alone time and lets me join in when I want to, I feel much happier.

      Personally I am most attracted to those who share at least a couple of my cognitive functions (Ti, Ne, Si, Fe) and am most attracted to those with strong extraverted feeling. I find that regardless is someone is an extrovert or introvert, when they have developed extraverted feeling, they do a much better job at helping me express myself whether they realize what they are doing or not. Also having a platform to share our understanding makes all the difference (sharing our thinking style, perception, whatever). That said at the end of the day, the individual always makes the difference whether for better or worse.

      I honestly do wonder also, if an extravert does find an introvert boring.

    • November 16, 2013 8:03:57 PM PST
    • Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

      I think you are right kmaco- it's the connection that really counts. I guess an I-I and and I-E pairing will both have benefits and challenges. Probably introverts need to truly share some passions to keep the relationship dynamic, and in an intro-extro there would need to be a mutual appreciation for the calm/energy of the other, and shared values.

      Extroverts: how do you feel about pairing with introverts? What experiences have you had?

    • November 16, 2013 8:08:25 PM PST
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      Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

      While it's likely that many extroverts might find us introverts boring (and are definitely more prone to questioning why we are the way that we are), I've found that they need us just as much as they we need them. In extrovert-introvert relationships in general, people notice more how the extrovert brings the introvert out of their shell, but they can't see that the introvert is necessary in getting the extrovert to look inside of themselves. My sister and I, for example, have almost opposite personality types (I'm intp, she's esfp), and despite our major differences we're very close. I find it easier to open up when we go to parties, gatherings, etc., but she completely relies on me to get her to stop and and take a second before making decisions. Same thing has happened in romantic relationships for me. I think extroverts and introverts compliment one another nicely; they each can help pull up the other's weaknesses.

    • September 1, 2014 4:07:12 PM PDT
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      Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

      Like kmaco, I am a gregarious introvert. I wonder if there is something about the INTP type where we can get quite sociable once the conversation shifts to a topic that catches our interest. I totally agree that I would find it sexy if my partner recognized or appreciated my discomfort in taking the lead socially. I would also say that there are extroverted women out there who think they are doing an introverted man a social favor by letting him take the lead. This breeds quite a bit of resentment as each of us fight our inner natures by taking up the gender role society has ordained for us.

      Personally, I think I would be most attracted to another open introvert like myself. The main warning sign would be excessive shyness which is a problem regardless of intraversion - yes there are shy extroverts out there who are too afraid to seek the attention they want. I don't find extroverts to be annoying so much as too superficial, self-absorbed, and consumed with their own social lives to play any role in my own life. Introverted intuitives (like all of us) on the other hand always seem to bring something interesting to a conversation or a relationship.

    • September 7, 2014 10:01:00 PM PDT
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      Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

      I was definitely excessively shy in high school. I have changed, though. I can get along with extroverts and introverts alike. It seems that extroverts process social information through the reference point of outer space and introverts process social information through the reference point of inner space. Everyone has outer and inner consciousness. It is common that one predominates the other, though. My mother was an E and my father is an I. I certainly took their differences in stride as a kid. I'm still an introvert but have developed better coping skills and awareness of the need to interact and respond to extroverts' perpetual checking-in-ness. A catch phrase I heard somewhere is keep your feet on the ground and your head in the clouds.
      I think of the ancient Greeks occasionally. Supposedly the environment for agriculture and herd-raising in ancient Greece was volcanic and austere. This possibly may have caused the early unions of the tribes as it were. Farmers could better reap their harvests when teamed up with other farmers et cetera.
      -- Sheep herding was commonplace. Sheep eat the roots so they needed to move on frequently. The cattle herders would compete with them. And thus socially agreed-upon laws to protect the interests of many parties were needed. First they were Minoans, following the deity of a carnivorous minotaur. Later the ancient Greeks had leisure time and delved into Hermetic (Egyptian Thoth) magic and mathematics following the paradigm or model of the earlier ancient Egyptian civilization. Hermes focused on magic, merchants, commerce and writing and laid the foundation for Greek civilization. The later deities of Apollo, Epimethius, Promethius and Dionysius (who was importantly known for wine) would be the grounds for later Keirsey and Myers-Briggs temperaments of NF, SJ, NT and SP. Also known as Dolphin, Beaver, Owl and Fox. Phlegmatic, Sanguine, Melancholy and Choleric are old ways of looking at these ancient Greek theatrical temperaments. These would elaborated upon by Sophocles in his plays Oedipus Rex and Antigone. Aeschylus wrote Prometheus Bound and others. (Prometheus Unbound would later be penned by Shelley.) -- [thanks in this section to my room-mate, R. Dean.]
      I am more geometrical than algebraic in my way of processing social and conceptual information. This follows the tradition of Pythagoras who is still known for writing A^2+B^2=C^2 and would inspire the later permutations of the hypotenuse of a triangle. The finding of the hypotenuse of a triangle can be a religious experience in itself. This also be the case for the diameter and area of a circle and the volume, mass and weight of cylinders within cylinders.
      I finally got through Algebra after several attempts but it is tough-going for me. Anyways, I digress, it is a stretch to say extroverts in their outer space are more algebraic and introverts in their inner space are more geometric. This would be an interesting topic for research...

    • September 8, 2014 1:27:39 AM PDT
    • Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

      It's been a while since the original post was made, but I enjoyed coming back to it. Thanks for your thoughts, Waywardraven and MattD. At the time I made the post I was experiencing for the first time a kind of conflict with extroversion, where I was being challenged for being an introvert...quite strange when I look back on it now, but it allowed for some good self-reflection and made me more aware of the fact that- if ya don't express it, no-one knows what's going on in your head.

      I enjoy the fact that it is infjs and intps in this thread. hehe. I think there is a similarity in these types. I agree that it is sexy to experience the introvert taking some kind of lead and that openness with one another is what matters. Thanks for the interesting information, Matt- a bit of an education there, actually. It's quite cool to explore how these historical categories all interconnect.

    • December 2, 2015 7:03:29 PM PST
    • Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

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    • March 20, 2016 5:44:37 PM PDT
    • Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

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    • April 28, 2016 1:57:09 AM PDT
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      Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

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    • September 14, 2020 7:26:20 AM PDT
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      Extroverts and Introverts: how do we relate?

      Fun:
      https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/302696/

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