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  • Topic: I'd like to ask a question y'all

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    • March 23, 2014 1:28:57 AM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      So I meet this INFJ friend and we used to be so close like brother n sister
      Recently he-this best friend, ditched me because of my "negativity" and how I treated him like an emotion dumpster. I mean, that wasn't me all the time, and don't friends all do it to each other?
      He also implicated that I never click with him as a friend, while we spent a ridiculous amount of time around each other for the last year. This is extremely hurtful.
      And so I was like you wanna cut the tie, fine. What's more confusing is that he's still acting like we are close friends. Every time he interacts with me it just reminds me of how unimportant I am to him.
      So looks like Im just a supporting role in this farce he has composed. My conscience and rationality keep telling me to leave, but somehow its just so hard to cut a part of me.

    • March 23, 2014 2:03:04 AM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      guess I'm not makin a single point here..
      alright Im kinda wondering whats working his mind

    • March 23, 2014 2:40:54 PM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      First, I don't really understand exactly what you're asking about, other than the rhetorical question in the second sentence there's no real question its just you venting which is fine, we all need to let it out at times. Secondly, it shows you're impatient as you expected someone to respond to you in under 5 minutes between posting and replying when at a time maybe no one was here or people are still giving it some thought.

      From what I'm seeing is that he just needed to vent too; however, at this point you're just letting it build up until it blows up again and the next time may be even worse. I'm not saying break ties with him completely at this moment, but find some private time with just the two of you away from everyone else. Ask him about things you have said to him, before that conversation that broke you apart, and get his feelings on it, understand how he felt on the things you've told him; calmly if possible, don't let the frustration take over. Then you in turn open up to him on things he has said to you and how you felt about it, let him know what you go through without raising your voice.

      If you can't reconcile after that then walk away without angst towards each other, just let go. If you can get along after then try to find each other's boundaries, how far you can go before it gets too far. This part may sound weird but have a safety word, something funny that you both never say in your daily life, once that word is spoken you know you hit that boundary and know when to stop. After a while you will learn when you hit that mark and stop pushing each other over the other's limit.

    • March 24, 2014 12:44:22 PM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      Well I can't say with too much certainty but it seems like he feels the relationship is imbalanced to me. He listened to you but did you take the time to listen to and try to understand him when he needed you? And it may seem that you're unimportant to him and he really probably is trying to lessen your role in his life but I'm willing to bet that it's because he still cares about you. It may seem contradictory but much like TimidTraveler said you're gonna have to reconcile it with him. You'll most likely have to make the first approach but as long as you're honest with him about your view of the relationship, where it may have gone wrong and his importance to you as a friend; he should start to feel comfortable enough to open up the dialogue and get this sorted out.

    • March 25, 2014 12:27:46 AM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      Brothers and sisters sometimes fight and are mean to each other right? You should try kicking him in the balls and then see if he sings a new tune.

    • March 25, 2014 2:10:53 AM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      @TimidTraveler

      Well haha I guess it is 60% venting. In the second post I was trynna state my question, not being impatient tho. You can look at it either way haha.

      I don't think he needs venting. You know infjs hate to expose themselves. He used to disclose to me, now he just decided not to. Besides, he's trying to live up to this positive energy or whatevs he calls it.
      I tried talking it out, once or twice, both ended up with him storming off or evading me. It' soooo hard when he's just sooo damn cryptic. And with that I just interpret that he no longer wants me as a part of his life.
      You have good points tho. Since he's still talking I should try again, figuring out which page he's on and be extra aware of his boundary.



      This post was edited by feetpleasure at March 25, 2014 2:37:08 AM PDT
    • March 25, 2014 2:41:33 AM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      CloudhuntOoo said:
      Well I can't say with too much certainty but it seems like he feels the relationship is imbalanced to me. He listened to you but did you take the time to listen to and try to understand him when he needed you? And it may seem that you're unimportant to him and he really probably is trying to lessen your role in his life but I'm willing to bet that it's because he still cares about you. It may seem contradictory but much like TimidTraveler said you're gonna have to reconcile it with him. You'll most likely have to make the first approach but as long as you're honest with him about your view of the relationship, where it may have gone wrong and his importance to you as a friend; he should start to feel comfortable enough to open up the dialogue and get this sorted out.

      I dunno why but I can tell he feels that way, a lot. He used to tell me about going-ons in his life, now he just stopped. On one hand it's in his nature that he rather be a listener. On another hand, I have to admit I care less abt his life than he cares abt mine, well for most of the time

    • March 25, 2014 2:42:02 AM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      CunningLinguist said:
      Brothers and sisters sometimes fight and are mean to each other right? You should try kicking him in the balls and then see if he sings a new tune.

      Seems like the final solution lol. Much thanks.

    • March 25, 2014 10:22:24 PM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      Lol. My first sentence was serious enough; maybe a little conflict is what you two (or just you) need?

      Honestly I feel like you're saying two things. One point is that there's no real relationship - connection - which your friend told you; and, yet on the other end there's a working relationship judged based on your view of past events as well as by the fact that your friend is still socializing with you and playing nice.

      So I think you said it all in the last sentence of your original post. A part of you is reacting to your friends negative comments and seeing a new side of him; another part of you is still attracted by something. A good question you might ask yourself is what do you want? More of the friendship that wasn't as genuine as you thought? Your socializing needs and/or interests met by this person? Or is it something else, something more?

    • May 2, 2017 4:55:05 AM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      I think I kinda understand the situation, but please tell me if i don't.

      Your situation reminds me of this article I read: http://infjblog.com/5-ways-infjs-can-spot-and-avoid-emotional-vampires/
      It looks like your friend is experiencing you as an emotional vampire. That's probably no one's fault, not yours and not his (For instance, I need to learn to talk more and not just listen, cause it gives this weird dynamic to a relationship where i easily become overruled and just someone to vent to).

      I also think he's started slamming the door on you, cause I recognize in your story how I deal with difficult situations with other people. I sort of want to give someone a second chance, but I'm also pretty done and I really want the other person to be different and to try their best at fixing what they (in my opinion) did. So I sort of act like nothing happened so to give them another chance, but then tiny things they say or do trigger my anger immediatly! Because it reminds me of aaall the other tiny things that I let slide before.
      (You can read more about that here for instance: http://thoughtcatalog.com/lizzie-reynolds/2016/01/the-four-distinct-stages-of-the-infj-door-slam/ )

      I'm not sure if this helps in any way, but I hope thing's get better.

    • September 21, 2017 5:45:58 AM PDT
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      I'd like to ask a question y'all

      You admit not caring about what is going on in his life. Most INFJs long for a deep meaningful connection. They want someone who understands then and who they are, who helps them feel like they can share those deep things that they hold back. If you want to keep the friendship then make some changes to be a friend to him not just enjoying the benefits of him being a friend to you. You are headed for a door slam if his needs aren't met soon. Accept that he wants positive in his life right now. Show that you respect that and try to support it. It it's obviously really important to him.

      This post was edited by CharityAngel at September 21, 2017 5:47:06 AM PDT

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