I'm planning to lose my virginity when I'm either engaged or married. Not due to religious reasons (I'm an atheist), but due to the fact that I would feel like a slut if I slept with another man before I marry my future husband.

Is this irrational of me?

Do you believe in premartial sex, postmartial sex, or does it depend to you?

Did you lose your virginity to someone who did not end up being your spouse? If not, then what was the story behind your relationship? Do you regret sleeping with them?

Thank you for your answers.

This post was edited by TheINFJLioness at October 6, 2014 9:25:16 PM PDT

Certainly don't have sex with anyone until you are ready. I have personally found it to be the case that sex is much more enjoyable with someone I genuinely care about and share a mental connection with, but virginity is most certainly a form of ignorance, and as such is nothing to celebrate.

Saying that you'd feel like a slut makes it sound like maybe you were raised in a religious household or in an environment that condemned sex as something dirty, or as something that one should feel guilty about. It is no such thing, and I could imagine the desire to only have sex with one person might be likely to seriously limit your options. I would not date anyone with those kind of hang ups around sex.

I mean, would you agree to drive one car the rest of your life before actually driving it? Choosing a spouse is a much more serious decision than choosing a car, IMO you should know pretty much all there is to know about them on all levels prior to engagement.

Your amount of sexual experience has nothing to do with your value as a human being. Sex is only "dirty" if it is being used to hurt someone. If you want to wait until you are married that is fine, but don't do it because you feel obligated to adhere to some standard that has been constructed by other people that don't know you.

Aside from masturbating, I don't plan on having sex as a casual experience rather wait until I'm with someone I feel a strong emotional connection that I can say I'm willing to commit to on a long term level.

I've always felt strange that I'm not interested in casual sex but it's cool to see that other people feel the same way.

But yeah I agree, it wouldn't make you a "slut". The best advice is that you should only have sex if you want to, whether or not you end up marrying your partner later on.

I have been in a relationship for 8 years and he is the only one I have ever been with. It is a very satisfying feeling for me to know that I will only have one lover in my lifetime.

I suppose some people may not feel satisfied only having had one lover. They may feel like they are missing out on more shared intimate experiences. When you're with one person you don't really have anything to compare it to. This has never bothered me because I have always felt content, but who knows, maybe I just got lucky.

Being with another person before you are married is definitely not a bad thing (in my opinion). Sometimes you need a comparison to know that what you have is actually what you desire.

Premarital sex ruined my marriage. lol not really. More accurately, it committed me more deeply to a person I should have never pursued. For me, sex was like nitrous oxide is for a gas engine. It got things really hot and sped up things that would not have run on their own. If I had stayed out of her pants I would have eventually given up and ran for the hills.

I believe in premarital sex, but the important thing is to do what feels right to YOU.

I feel that I "bring more to the table" as a result of my experience with different women, but different people have different priorities and that's okay.

Something to think about — given that the VAST majority of people have premarital sex, most people would be sluts by your definition. Do you think most people are sluts?

It's not at all irration of yoru to want to wait until you are wed before you lose yoru virginity, my bestie is a guy and he is the same and he is an ISFP i think, and he's a guy (Sorry guys)
It doesn't make you or anyone else a slut and perhaps it's worth considering what brings you to that view point, is it really yours or is it someone elses?

I am not married and i really enjoy sex, i hate the stigma that surrounds it, it is a beautiful thing to be enjoyed. I love it as a way of connecting with people, it shares somethign very precious. I love it as a way of sharing love and while i don't go in for one night stands taht are meaningless, i have had sex with a friend or two, who were special and it meant a lot and deepened out bond.
Maybe I am a weird INFJ, but to me a hug is like giving a piece of love, sex is a seriously spiritual-bonding-incredible-love sharing-connecting thing, but doesn't always have to be with long term partners.
Saying that i have also had a few mistakes, thinking people cared and post sex suddenly things changed, but they are much in the minority. I wouldn't change havign shared my body with people i have, i have loved learned had fun and some of it has been so incredible, it really fills a part of me that needs to connect deeply with people, not just any people, but not just relationships.

I don't really feel like premartial sex is something not done... But yes, in my country Belgium, only really weird people would wait with sex till marriage. Cause in our society nowadays, it's something you should have done because everyone is talking about it...

I lost my virginity to someone I wasn't even in love with, so yes I do regret it... but mostly because it was some stupid vegeance against my ex, like, hahah, you see, I'm having another one and I'm so totally over you... :(

Sex is a part of live, and well, I'm not the one to wait for very long, because next to that one guy, I'm totally ready to jump the other one. If someone looks very hot, I'm not very good in waiting... I'm impatient.

But, out of experience, sex should only be done with someone important to you. It may be your spouse, it may be your boyfriend, it may be someone who can help you feel better about yourself. And okay, I had a one-nightstand, turned it into a two-night stand, but that was me being very adventurous on a trip. I totally felt awesome after that. Because it was a guy from a total different continent, so I was very proud. The most daring story of my life xd

And if you practise, you can find out what you like.... so it's easier than for finding the right one, I suppose? And also, some things... I mean, it's nice to try it out with someone, and then be able to run for the hills. :) But, when I will find that special guy, I'll probably cry my eyes out because it's so amazing and so special. You can't truelly understand the beauty of Rome, if you haven't visit other places to compare it with, I'm guesing?

I think premarital sex if fine as long as both people are honestly ready and consenting.

Personally, I'd only consider sex if I was in a serious relationship. I need to have a soul and mind connection before getting so physical. There are other ways to physically express your sexuality until you're sure you want to have sex.

For myself as an INFJ, and my sexual preferences, I have to feel extremely close to that person or else sex is something I'm not interested in from them. How do I say this... If I am not connected on a mental level with that person, then physical aspect of a relationship are repelling to me. I have to feel a bond with them before I could ever have sex with them. I've been all over from friends with benefits to serious, long, relationships, and it doesn't matter. If I don't feel close to them, sex is disgusting to me. Just having sex though does not make you a slut, and it's not something to be embarrassed about to me. If you genuinely want to wait until you're married or in a very committed relationship though, that is your decision, and as long as you are proud of your own decision based on your own beliefs, then it's a good thing. If it's just beliefs someone has pushed on to you, I hope it's not going to keep you back from something you genuinely want.

Bennie133, I've never know anyone but myself to feel that way about the idea of sex/physical contact form someone I'm not connected with. I've had my niceness misread and taken as an invitation. It disgusts me when that happens and I have a hard time getting over it, but that kind of stuff seems to just roll off some people.

AnnaMomiji, I know exactly what you mean! I've also have been in a situation where niceties have been misread, and it just leaves me feeling so uncomfortable and grossed out, that I have to find a way to leave. It's hard to deal with, especially when most people do not understand why it bothers you so much.

I also choose to be married before having sex. I personally do not feel I can genuinely give as much of myself otherwise. I'm divorced, so I've been there. I enjoy it so much more with deep commitment. I also have to be mentally and emotionally connected to go there. I am also highly sexual but I choose to only share that with one man that I'm married to at a time. I just hold back too much without the sense of sexual security marriage brings.

I agree with this 100%. n_n It is a beautiful thing to consider.

I kinda have the same plan. I honestly struggle with intimacy because while I do definitely feel attraction and crave it, I have to know someone pretty well to act on it. sometimes I just want to get rid of my virginity but dating is hard because I really have to be interested enough to get to know someone really well before going beyond platonic and by then, we just end up being friends. For a while I though I was ace or demi but I still experience the sexual attraction beforehand??

helinlin20171116
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helinlin20171116

Like in a transistor, my feelings are the main regulator of my sex drive over someone.
Intense emotional connection means very hot sex to me. And in a relationship, even a simple misurderstanding can easily freeze down everything, to the point i avoid physical contact.
Without emotional connection, i always preferred to do it by myself.
Have sex with myself is ok, cause my relationship with myself is good.
Self-sex is never something to regret about.

I was in relation with my narc-ex gf for 9 years and I never had sex with her. I mean the penetration, we did oral and all. I never felt she was into me. She would make excuses like - i wanna marry you as a virgin, pills are dangerous, etc etc. Then oneday she met a guy ,went to his room and they did it , without prorection. She told me she wasn't happy with me and that she was scared of it. 2 months after that the guy dumped her and she blamed me for it.
I think i dodged a bullet by listening to my intuition that something is wrong. I wanted to have sex when we both felt like doing it. I am glad i didnt do it with her cuz that might have made me commit myself to her and she would have sooner or later cheated on me. I always listen to my intuition and my gut feeling.