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  • Topic: choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

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    • June 18, 2015 1:33:48 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      I had this odd conversation with someone about being a virgin and what it meant to me and about masturbating. To me, virgin is just a word it's not a state of being nor anything more than a point of view, more often I see it as a psychological manipulation tactic used by religion to control your way of thinking about yourself. However, I fall into that boat where I wont have sex for the first time until I meet someone that I truly love and care for, as a personal choice not under any religious affiliated beliefs or other lifestyle pressures. However as I do masturbate, the other person felt that I am making my stance pointless by not also being abstinent and withholding from any form of sexual pleasure, which lead me to post this.

      How do you feel about people who say they want to remain a virgin until a certain point in their life such as finding a deep love connection or after marriage, but aren't abstinent (they masturbate). Do you think it makes any difference?

    • June 18, 2015 3:39:44 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      Being a virgin until you find a deep connection is a rather tough path to go on, but I understand the rationale. Looking for casual sex either doesn't work for them, or it doesn't interest them; which is fine by itself. But that little "want" we have is maddening when we let it be.

      That's when masturbation becomes a much needed, much healthier alternative. Not sure how similar this may be for women, but us men can find "therapy" in a session.

      We'll all be tensed up by thoughts occurring during the day. They can both be unrelated yet stressful, or they can be sexual and therefore troublesome. It can happen at any point, really. But once we have that release, something good happens. We relax and we rationalize.

      You drain your excess energy in a way that won't exhaust your whole body, and at the same time, you don't think the way you were thinking before. By that I mean, before masturbating you might focus only on what's stimulating you. After it, however, you have a completely tangent thought like "Hmm, I think I'll make grilled chicken and beans for dinner."

      Another benefit of pleasing yourself is you get to learn the details of what turns you on, hands on (pun unintended :P). Everyone has a different "path" towards orgasm, and when you learn your own path,
      You can please yourself as high as you like, with consistency (<that's important),
      AND you can better communicate with your partner, since you know what you want.

    • June 18, 2015 5:22:15 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      Im not a virgin.

      Isnt life a big web of psychological manipulation?

    • June 19, 2015 12:06:03 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      I think it's important to distinguish between sexual pleasure, be it from masturbation or anything else, and sharing your body with another person. As a virgin you may not want to have sex with someone you're not committed to. For some people sex with another person is like giving away a part of yourself. And you don't want to give that to just anybody.

      This post was edited by Cyanara at November 15, 2015 8:36:42 AM PST
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    • June 19, 2015 4:16:58 PM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      I'm in the same boat. I just don't feel like I'd enjoy it unless it was with someone I had feelings for. That might not stop me from trying it given the opportunity, but I don't think I can separate the physical from the emotional when it comes to intimacy. Not even with something like cuddling.

      I don't care what other people do, and I wouldn't rule someone out just because they are a virgin or if they had lots of partners. There's enough judgement out there.

      This post was edited by Metalheart at June 19, 2015 4:21:59 PM PDT
    • June 23, 2015 2:02:00 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      Ok, let me decide to jump in here with my view(s) - and not just to prove my point, but to actually try and help the OP and anyone else...

      If you want to put sex/sexual intimacy/exploration on a pedastool (not a negative one, just high up there) then that's your choice. For me, its the reson behind that choice, and whether those reasons make sense given your choices wth other things you "hold precious", and how you approached them. Also, something could also be gained from learning from other's experiences/mistakes, and wondering "how you would feel" if what they experienced happened to you. Options options options!!

      So, say you do find that someone special, great connection mentally, emotionally, and all else, and you think they are "the one" to do this thing with! How would you feel if after the event they responded by showing great dissapointment - not with you/your performance per se, but just "something didn't click". You try again, communicate, work through it together, because you are that connected, but it still doesn't work out for THEM. You are fine, loving it and all, but they aren't. If you decide to "be with that person forever", then you are back to living with masterbations as your only sexual outlet. How would you feel? Was it worth the wait? Would you blame yourself in any way?

      Let me ask this. Have you ever done something that you wanted to get perfect, or at least really well done, and it was such a thing that you couldn't afford to make certain mistakes or else it would be ruined and have to either start again, wasting time, energy, money, or live with shoddiness forever visiable by your and other's standards because you messed up? Wouldn't you have practice first?

      Since I could come at this from several different angles, and basically monologue for aaaages, let me end with one more point/question and if anyone wants more from me, then post a request...

      I don't believe that solo masterbation is practice for sex, a replacement for orgasm yes, if thats what you want, but not sex. Being great at something on your own don't mean a whole lot when it gets down to doing something in a team. Take sport for example. The dynamic in say tennis, is completely different between singles and doubles. You have to WORK and practice at doubles, not improve your singles game in order to be the best you can be as a team. Sex is not to give yourself away, nor is it to take what you need from your partner - it is a mutual expression of self to another person in a way that says "you are the only person I want to do this with (right now) and you're the only person I want this from". What other "activity" is so exclusive? Sex is a big deal in many regards.

      On the flip side, its no more crucial to a solid, loving relationship than the feeling that your partner understands you/listens to you/cares about you/makes you feel secure/meets "X" need that you have. If you have a need that requires another person, then you need another person. If you can fulfil that need yourself, then you don't NEED another person, you want one. There are people who don't really care about being needed since a need is something that anyone with the right skill/tools can meet. "Want" is a choice. Who doesn't want to be "wanted"? If your partner doesn't feel wanted, its up to them to go somewhere they are, or live without meeting your need/want in that area. How would that feel to you, knowing that someone you care about so much is feeling like crap because you don't want them? Sounds like a mess to me.

      DISCLAIMER: I've probably said too much, and not re-read all this. I'm really not used to typing - it is SOO slow, compared with speaking when things move fast and line up properly!!





    • July 6, 2015 11:51:11 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      For anyone: if you choose to remain a virgin, it should be for the sake of your own self-respect and well-being, and not for the sake of an ideal person or an ideal situation. As time goes on it becomes increasingly easier to make someone into "the one": ignore X, Y and Z, re-prioritize a little here, reimagine vices as virtues. Love can do that to you. If in retrospect they weren't "the one", you can end up feeling like you've violated your principles and cheated on that ideal person yet to come.

      Know thyself: examine why you're choosing to remain a virgin, what the ramifications of how you're going about it might have, and what you want the end result to be. It's best if your reasons don't involve pressure from, seeing yourself as superior or inferior to, or pleasing or spiting other people. Your process shouldn't be harming you in other areas in the long term, stripping you of self-control, or warping your view of sex: your process should above all else be worth your while. If you think sex is going to be more amazing if you wait, you're likely setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment: you're unpracticed, prodigies by nature are uncommon, and love is a multi-faceted experience with parts that don't always carry over - just because you love a person on an emotional or spiritual level, that doesn't mean the physical experience will be elevated to that level because of it, and a rhythm has to be established regardless.

      Your core reasons are good enough: you don't need to rationalize simply feeling right about your choice to anyone; if intimate physicality isn't a major priority in your relationships, putting it on a pedestal is counterproductive.

      The right person won't just tolerate your decision: they'll respect you for it, respect it, and try to better understand it so they can encourage you in it and make it easier for you to continue in it and see it to its proper conclusion. But keep in mind that checklist isn't a Litmus test: you'll still need complementarity, attraction, and the like, and these characteristics don't always come altogether at once.

      It's not bad to want to share your first sexual experiences with "the one", but you're going to have a bad time if you try to save yourself for their sake, or for the sake of a relationship you haven't even entered into yet and still know so little about. Do it (or, I guess, don't "do it") for you.

    • July 26, 2015 1:29:27 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      Mate I would give anything to be a virgin again, as I wasted my first few encounters with meaningless casual sex just to experience it. What a mistake that was. After that I realised how special sex is and how empty it is if its not someone you really love. Sex is pivotal, it can become really special and a treasure of infinate value, or it can become cheap and worthless, giving feelings of emptiness and loss of self respect.

      My advice is to keep sex for that special someone where it will bring a lot of satisfaction. Thats what I'm waiting for now.

      This post was edited by timtron at July 26, 2015 1:31:57 AM PDT
    • August 30, 2015 1:38:34 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      I only see one comment from a female on here, so allow me to be female #2. (;

      When I was 17, I thought I found the love of my life. Of course, I also thought tacos were the love of my life, but that's slightly beside the point. (Tacos and I are still very close, however) I never planned on losing my virginity until I was married. But I fell hard for that guy and things went well, until they stopped going so well. Since our break up happened a year later, I've not been with anyone else (going strong for 3 years now!). My reasons are as follows:
      1. I don't know that I would be able to separate sex from emotions. And wouldn't want to deal with that
      2. One night stands seem so cliche and short lived.
      3. I want to have a deep connection with whoever im with.
      4. I respect myself, and if I went and slept with people I wasn't in love with, I don't think I'd respect myself the same way. (That's not to say it can't be done, or that having sex out of a loving relationship is wrong.. I just don't know anything else. So from my experience.. Sex in a loving relationship is just my cup of tea.
      5. Like Cyanara said, when you have sex with someone you may feel as if you are giving a part of yourself away that you won't get back. And in a sense that's true.
      6. HELLO, sex isn't always safe. Think about the possibility of diseases.. and children and don't get me wrong kids are great.. But not when you can barely take care of yourself.

      The fact that I'm saving myself has everything to do with the fact that I'm just not comfortable giving my body to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. It also has to do with fear of intimacy (not sexually) but mentally. When I do finally meet the person I consider worth the expense, I'll know, and the waiting I've done will seem all the more special and worth it.

      To wrap it up (I'm punny, I know. (; ) there is nothing wrong with waiting for sexual partner that you want. Whatever your reasons may be, they are your reasons. No one should attempt to challenge you on them. People may say it's weird, because sexual promiscuity is becoming so abundant in our culture. On the other hand, others would say that sexual promiscuity is weird as well. All I have to say, is you do you boo-boo. :P if being with 1000 people makes you truly innately happy, then do that. If being with no one until you found your seemingly perfect match makes you happy, then do that. Don't let anyone talk you out of what you firmly believe in and what makes you truly smile!

    • August 30, 2015 1:44:04 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      And just to add.. Masturbation is completely natural and healthy. The flesh is what makes us lust. The mind is what makes us love. Your stance is not pointless at all!

    • September 8, 2015 6:25:29 PM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      Virginity has nothing to do with masterbation.
      Sexual pleasure with another person is different than pleasuring yourself.
      Some people are able to experience orgasim with no physical stimulation - by thinking about sexual pleasure...
      saying someone is not a virgin because they masterbate starts you down a strange road - if you say that you need to be abstinent from sexual pleasure by refraining from masturbation in order to be considered a virgin, you are judging someone for experiencing sexual pleasure. It may not be long before you start to classify other activities such as kissing / rubbing up against someone.... as violations. Even thinking about having sex could be called into question. It's very judgmental of relating to others physically, or experiencing physical pleasure.

      children masterbate (sometimes very young children) - those children would certainly be considered virgins.

      Most people consider Virginity as someone who has not experienced sexual intercourse with another person. But that is also a very heteronormative view.
      I'd say that view usually still considers someone a virgin even if they have engaged in oral sex, but they would be said to have had some sexual experiences.

      By that definition - women who have sex with other women and not with men would be considered virgins.

      This just hilights that the label doesn't matter. It should only be about what is comfortable to you - and everyone is different. There is no "normal".

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    • September 8, 2015 11:18:01 PM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      I think the concept of virginity is something worth considering.

      Having an intimate experience with a partner is something very private, and personal. It should be with someone you trust, and someone you see yourself building a future with.

      I think to a large degree we have forgotten that relationships shouldn't start out as sex. Too often we have sex before starting a relationship. As I see it, sex is the glue that pulls two people together. When you have large amounts of sex with a lot of random people you don't really want to invest in, it loses it's potency, and you become numb to the significance of what sex actually should represent.

      I don't believe in having a relationship with a girl who has had a lot of partners.
      People should take care deciding who they wish to be intimate with.
      It's not slut shaming. It's preference, and something I have come to understand plays a significant role in long term stable relationships.

      ...but that's just my 2c worth.

      Masturbation is fine. We have sexual tension we need to release. It doesn't hurt anyone, but excessive amounts of pornography has the same effect as a large amount of partners.

      It desensitizes you and creates unrealistic expectations which lead to people thinking it's better to keep playing the field, which in turn churns out more unhappy people seeking connections.

      Just a theory...

    • September 9, 2015 1:02:35 AM PDT
    • choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      I heavily agree

    • October 4, 2015 10:48:39 AM PDT
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      choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

      Too much is wrapped up in sexual taboo, performance and importance. Enforced restriction on a natural bodily function can be damaging...but then again, it can provide an emotional and spiritual wholesomeness.

      What I take issue with is a notion or a thought or a brainwashing that sex is bad or sex is 'special'. It's not, unless you make it that way or are taught that it is. Sex is a natural sharing of intimacy that helps bond two people. The chemical cornucopia that happens during intimate sex has many benefits and special side effects.

      If people decide to hold on to their virginity to present it as some kind of gift after marriage, good on them. Just be aware that you may be completely sexually incompatible with the person you are now bound to. You may end up sexually frustrated and disappointed by your partner. Even worse...you have no practice. You don't know what you like and what they like. There is certainly time to find out but do you want their first experience with them to be hot trash? Better I would think to know the tricks and tips that drive them wild and leave them in sexual awe of your prowess.

    • November 14, 2017 11:27:43 PM PST
    • choosing to be virgin without being abstinent

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